a list of the things my soul forgot.

this day last year, i went to my old high school to speak about my book. and i walked by my old classrooms and through hallways that once upon a time seemed wide. but last year, my soul found that it had grown too big, too lovely, too brave and bold and bright for those old hallways. i walked through those halls believing i was made for bravery and freedom.
but today, it seems like i have forgotten. so i wrote a poem to remember.

a list of the things my soul forgot:

i am still brave
i am free
i am beautiful
i have hope
i am redeemed
i am alive
and my story is still being written
i am worth more than the words i write
and i have worth even when i cannot write
and i am also worth more than the sun
and the moon
and the stars
i can dream
i am not perfect and it is okay to struggle
because even though i don’t deserve grace
it is mine
i am lovely
and i am loved
and even if i forget the truth
that doesn’t change that
it is still true.

hope. // another freewrite

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i am still here, fighting the waves. fighting for my words.

facebook reminded me today of some words i wrote last year. when i wrote them, i was thinking of a friend going through a hard time. and today when i read them, i thought of myself.

“hope lives in you, too. hope hides underneath your skin, reminding you that this winter of yours is only a season. reminding you that you are not who you’ll be. that you will bloom. that the daylight will make your soul its home. hope is in your bones, reminding you that you are still here. that you are still alive. that your life is waiting for you to grab it by the shoulders and shake it.”

hope is mine. it lives in me, even when it feels like i lost it. hope is mine, because my soul craves it every day. this winter is not the end. my life hasn’t ended. my heartbeat is a song of hope. every time my heart drums, it tells me i am still here. i still have hope.

even when i don’t think i do. even when i can’t find my words. even if i feel lost and small. even if the waves are too strong and i can’t fight them. even when joy hides a little too well from me.

love is on his way. hope is on his way. He will knock on the doors of my heart, and sit on the chairs of my soul. and He will wipe my tears, and call me redeemed and beloved. he will make it rain, and the spring my heart longs for will come.

“and as you wait for your winter to end, celebrate. celebrate that you are still here. that your heart is still beating. that beauty is everywhere you look. celebrate the flowers that are growing down the street. look at them, and marvel at their simple beauty. at the way they reflect their maker. at the way the reflect glory and hope and grace. take one and put it in your hair.”

but in the meantime, i will celebrate. i will celebrate my smallness, even when i don’t want to, because my smallness leaves room for grace. i will celebrate the beauty around me and inside me. i will let the daylight in. i will place flowers on my head, symbols of beauty and glory and grace.

and hope.

fighting waves // a freewrite

fightingwaves

i haven’t written here in five months. last August i wrote about my words, and how they felt far away. they still do. i think i let myself get overwhelmed and lost in the busyness. but i don’t want to be like this. i don’t want to drown. i will fight the waves. today, fighting the waves looks like this little piece.

i miss myself.
i miss my words.
they used to flow like a river.
and now, it feels like i’m in a drought.
i feel lost, and i hate feeling lost.
i don’t want to be lost. i don’t want to be like this.
i don’t want to feel heavy and tired and worn.
i don’t want to drown.
i have swam for so long, and i am so far away.
so far away of who i was, by grace.
but far away of who i want to be.
but i won’t drown.
i will fight the waves.
i will look for joy and for loveliness.
i will make my days count.
i will let grace rain over me
and let it cover every fault.
i will fight the waves,
fight my fears,
the pain,
the sadness,
the words that escape me
and hide.
i won’t hide, i won’t drown.
i will fight the waves
and swim home.